2021 Detroit Lions Ranking Tournament: Round 1, Part 4


The first round of the NCAA basketball tournament is always the best. There’s non-stop action this Thursday and Friday, and there’s turmoil galore.

This isn’t exactly how it works in the Detroit Lions Name Bracket tournament. Upheavals do happen, but rarely with the excitement of a buzzer drummer. They usually come with minor triumphs or blatant voter fraud. That’s not to say the first round isn’t worth listening to. He sets the tone for the rest of the tournament. This is the voters’ first chance to declare their support for their favorite names in the tournament.

Now that I have hesitated for a hundred words like this is an online breakfast lasagna recipe, I’m officially cleared to start. Here are the last eight games of the first round. Welcome to the “Big Play” region.

1. Halapoulivaati Vaitai vs. 16. Joel Heath

Vaitai returns as a finalist from last year. He was unfairly beaten by Dee Virgin, who scored the title for the first time in its history. Vaitai returns this year after a tough season on the pitch, which will inevitably hurt his chances in this tournament as you are all a bunch of biased morons. His name is magnificent and can be sung to the tune of “Play that Funky Music”. It should be enough to take him to the Final Four.

Heather bars are terrible. The caramel is horrible. LET’S MAKE CARAMEL, BUT REMOVE ITS AWESOME SMOOTH TEXTURE AND REPLACE IT WITH SHIT THAT GETS INTO THE TEETH. Snickers is the only candy bar that needs to exist. Shoot the Heath bars in the sun.


Who has the best name?

  • 93%
    Halapoulivaati Vaitai

    (217 votes)

231 votes in total

Vote now

8. Dan Skipper versus 9. D’André Swift

Last year I was accused of underseeding Dan Skipper (he was ranked seven), and as he progressed more and more in the tournament, I kept complaining and berating you. . You, dear voter, punished me by voting it until the Final Four out of spite.

Today, I take my revenge. I dropped Skipper a seed lower this year and pitted him against your beloved D’Andre Swift. What are you going to do about it? Would you dare to sacrifice Swift in the name of winning this war of attrition? I DEFY YOU.


Who has the best name?

  • 68%
    By André Swift

    (160 votes)

235 votes in total

Vote now

5. Tavante Beckett vs. 12. Logan Stenberg

Tavante Beckett sounds like a suitable name for tennis or golf. He scores points for being the first result in Google for “Tavante” despite being an undrafted rookie. Beckett, on the other hand, is widely used. From judging the value of sports cards to the latest Netflix thriller.

Logan is one of those weird names that George Carlin probably would have laughed at, but after Wolverine got famous again it suddenly got harder. I have nothing on Stenberg. It’s not a last name I’ve ever heard, but there are thousands like it.


Who has the best name?

  • 64%
    Tavante Beckett

    (149 votes)

  • 35%
    Logan stenberg

    (83 votes)

232 votes in total

Vote now

4. Amani Oruwariye against 13. Darrin Paulo

Now in the third year of her NFL career, Lions fans can finally go by the name Amani Oruwariye without hesitation, well, most of them. Only cowards call him Amani O or AO

The name still stands, however. Amani is a crowd pleaser. For nerds, this refers to something in the Star Wars universe that I refuse to delve into. It means “peace” in Swahili or “aspiration” in Arabic.

Darrin Paulo snuck into the tournament as one of the newest rookies, joining the team at the end of May. For a 13 seed, he has a chance to qualify for the next round. I love unconventional spellings, so using I instead of E in Darrin deserves some praise, even though the Detroiters have known it from Darrin Walls’ brief Lions career. Paulo emphasizes vowels, which I’m still a big fan of, so we might see upset potential here.


Who has the best name?

  • 92%
    Amani Oruwariye

    (218 votes)

236 votes in total

Vote now

6. Alim McNeill vs. 11. Damion Ratley

Now that’s a real toss-up. Two newcomer Lions, so both names sound fresh. While Alim McNeill is overshadowed by another fantastic name in Detroit’s draft class, he brings a subtle allure. I love the first name accentuating the I as an “ee” sound. So you look at his last name: McNeil … wait for that … BAM another L. Why? Why the hell not?

Then there is Damion Ratley. While the first name is nothing special, unless you associate it with the devil’s son, Ratley has courage. If Dan Campbell could change his name – and I wish he would, such a boring name for an anything but boring man – he would have to change it to Dan Ratley. And then he should start the ’80s metal hair band I’m sure he’s been dying to create for decades.


Who has the best name?

3. Quintez Cephus against 14. Breshad Perriman

If competitive fast hitting exists, the name Quintez Cephus is a nightmare for its competition. It literally uses three of the four corners of a keyboard, and it’s a game of Scrabble. Phonetically, it’s surprisingly easy to say, which is either positive for those who go through life looking for the path of least resistance, or negative for those who want a challenge and aren’t afraid to make mistakes.

Breshad Perriman isn’t a special name, but because Brett Perriman has a special place in my heart as one of the most underrated players of my childhood, I gave him a free pass to the tournament. I’m sorry, but we live in a culture of nepotism.


Who has the best name?

  • 89%
    Quintez Cephus

    (210 votes)

  • ten%
    Breshad Perriman

    (24 votes)

234 votes in total

Vote now

7. Alijah Holder vs. 10. David Blough

Alijah Holder has missed his calling as a backup quarterback, AKA the person with field goals and extra points. If I were an NFL coach, I would do it anyway. In fact, if I were Alijah, I would insist on it. Make a name for yourself on special teams, literally.

David Blough’s call was gone the minute we learned it wasn’t pronounced “hit”. That being said, I still encourage you to use the noun as a verb. “You Blough it” could literally mean the same thing, unless his wife kills him in Tokyo next month. By the way, good luck, Melissa!


Who has the best name?

  • 68%
    Alijah Holder

    (157 votes)

228 votes in total

Vote now

2. Alex Anzalone vs. 15. TJ Hockenson

If you’re afraid of saying Alex Anzalone’s name with a super offensive Italian accent, don’t worry, he has already given you the green light:

Add in the alliterative / assonative nature of the name, and nothing more needs to be said. S-level name.

Hockenson may have gotten the better of Anzalone on the pitch during training camp, but he has nothing to stand on here in the Name Bracket tournament. TJ is a name as old as time. Hockenson is certainly unique, but doesn’t add much in terms of a pun. I guess if he was more of an online tight end, we could call him Blockenson. Or if he was a Star Trek fan, he would be Spockenson. Or if he liked classical music, we would call him Bachenson. Okay, now I’m starting to change my mind …


Who has the best name?

  • 60%
    Alex Anzalone

    (140 votes)

  • 39%
    TJ Hockenson

    (90 votes)

230 votes in total

Vote now


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